


Don't Leave Me.

by robron_til_the_end



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Character Death, Family, Goodbyes, M/M, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-15
Updated: 2017-06-15
Packaged: 2018-11-14 08:48:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,341
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11204535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/robron_til_the_end/pseuds/robron_til_the_end
Summary: Warning, a sad fic!Set way in the future, and Aaron's dying. How is it possible for Robert to say goodbye to the love of his life?





	Don't Leave Me.

**Author's Note:**

> I have tagged this as a death fic, so you have been warned. I was struck by this when I couldn't sleep last night, so I hope someone out there enjoys it!

There’s a scent of death on the air. Robert can taste it, can’t fight it any longer because he knows it’s coming. He knows that this is likely going to be the last day with Aaron he ever has. And even if Aaron manages to make it through the night, it won’t be much longer. Stomach cancer. No hope. Or very little, he’d been given just six weeks to live more than six months ago. But Aaron had fought it, he’d spent so much of his life fighting, why would his death be any different? This isn’t unexpected, they’ve had the time to prepare. Except how can you be prepared for losing the love of your life? You can’t. A lifetime of love from Aaron is not enough. Nothing would ever be enough for Robert. And he always thought he’d go first, he’s got six years on Aaron. And Aaron was the one who fell ill? It isn’t fair.

He’s been completely bed bound for four days now. Before he’d make a point of getting up and at least making it to the window, even if it zapped his energy. Now he can’t do even that, and the end is coming. They all know it, even Aaron does. Forty years of marriage, and this is how it ends, Robert thought, looking at his husband from the open doorway. Liv was in with him, and to Robert, she never really lost that mischievousness that the teenage version of her had. Never mind that she’s in her middle fifties and waiting on a knee replacement now. She still has that fiery spark about her that at first so reminded Robert of her elder brother. And even now, on the verge of the end, she’s trying to make him laugh. It doesn’t quite work, but he does huff a couple of times in painful amusement.

“Aren’t you going in?” Jacob asks his father. Robert bites his lip hard. He doesn’t want to, because he knows when he next talks to Aaron he’s going to stay with him until the bitter end. And how can he do that? But leaving Aaron to die without him, well, that’s not really an option either.

“Say goodbye to him,” Robert says, a lump in his throat. “I’ll have my turn later.” Jacob clears his throat, and pulls Robert in for a tight hug, one Robert returns before Jake sits on Aaron’s bed, the opposite side to Liv.

“Where’re the girls?” Aaron asks, his hoarse thin voice a sign that there isn’t much time left.

“At school,” Jacob says with a smile. His two daughters, Aaron and Robert’s grandchildren had said goodbye to him at the weekend, when Aaron still had some mobility left. They didn’t really understand how one day they’d wake up and their granddad wouldn’t be there. Robert felt like joining them in that misunderstanding. “And Matt wanted to get off work, but…”

“Yeah, high flier that boy,” Aaron says with pride.

“That “boy” is in his thirties,” Jacob reminds him. Aaron smiles, thinking of both of his sons.

“You think he’ll have kids one day?” Aaron asks, thinking of the future he knows he’ll never get to see.

“Maybe,” Jacob says. “Not really the marrying and settling down kind of man though. You know that.”

“Mm, I know,” Aaron says. “I’d like him to have a family one day. Feel settled.” Aaron sighs, and Robert knows that’s a sign of a particularly strong pain through his body. He never complains, but Robert can read him well. He always could and forty years of marriage has not lessened that instinct. Robert can't cope with seeing him say goodbye, so he hides in the kitchen, needing some space. He’s there for all of five minutes before his tearaway sister in law finds him.

“He needs you,” Liv says.

“I can’t do it,” Robert says, shaking his head even as the tears fall. “How do I say goodbye to him, Liv? How am I meant to do it?”

“You’ll do it, because he needs you to,” Liv said, wiping a tear from her own face. “And lets face it, you’ve done a lot in your life because it’s what Aaron needs. Don’t let him down now.”

“Liv…”

“When he’s…” Liv can’t bring herself to say the words dead or gone. “After. Then you can fall apart. But right now, you need to be the strong one. For him. And he’ll know how hard this is for you, he did when he got his diagnosis.”

“Yeah,” Robert says, swallowing against the lump in his throat. “I just… my life was tied up with his from the moment I met him, even when I fought it. I could never escape him. And now he’s going. What do I do, Liv?”

She has no words, just folds into his shoulder, a thing she hasn’t done in more than a decade, giving him any comfort she can. “Go and see him. Stop hiding.”

He knows she’s right, even if it’s difficult, and he walks into Aaron’s room at the same moment Aaron’s saying, “where’s your father? I need Robert.”

“I’m here,” Robert says, walking over to him, sitting on the edge of the bed. Even now, even after all the pain and the things the ravages of cancer have taken from him, he glows at Robert’s presence. It’s in his eyes, bright, blue. Still so young even though young is one thing they're not any more.

“Can we…” Aaron asks Jacob and he nods, knowing both men want to be alone. “Make sure your girls are… grow up well,” Aaron finishes, rolling his eyes because it’s not exactly what he wants to say but he can’t find the energy to rephrase it.

“You’re kidding,” Jacob says. “They’ve got a Dingle and a Sugden as grandparents, there was never any hope on that score.” Aaron smiles as Jacob leaves the room, standing with Liv as they both look in. But for Robert and Aaron, it’s as if they’re completely alone.

“You’ve been avoiding me,” Aaron says.

“I’m scared,” Robert says quietly. The truth. 

“I know you are,” Aaron says. “I always knew this would be harder for you than it is for me.”

“Aaron…” Robert says softly.

“It is,” Aaron continues. “Because you’re the one left behind.” Robert takes a deep steadying breath, though it doesn’t do much for him.

“I’ll catch you up,” Robert promises, reaching for his hand. It's bare, no wedding ring. He got too thin and it's currently on a chain around his neck. “On the other side of… whatever it is, I'll catch up.”

“Not too soon, though, eh?” Aaron says. “Our family needs you, don’t hurry after me.”

“Aaron, don’t,” Robert says, shaking his head.

“Get in bed with me,” Aaron asks.

“I can’t,” Robert says instantly. “I’ll hurt you.”

“I’m dying,” Aaron replies, voice very quiet. “I get to ask for inappropriate things.”

“I’ll have to move you to one side,” Robert continues. Aaron has no energy to do it himself.

“Just push the morphine pump a couple of times before you do.” Robert pushes it once, Aaron’s too tired to reach for it right now, and Robert knows he hates it. Says it makes him feel groggy and out of it. And today he can’t be out of it. Robert hates the grunt Aaron makes as he shifts his body, but Aaron’s light. Too light and he’s ridiculously easy to move.

“Sure?” Robert asks. Aaron nods, very tired. Robert gets into bed, and as soon as he’s lying down, Aaron moves his head to lie on his chest. “Easy,” Robert murmurs, his arms coming around him, finding their place of habit. He ignores the fact he could feel Aaron’s ribs if he concentrated, even through his pyjamas.

“That’s better,” Aaron says on a sigh. “I miss touching you.”

“I miss all of you,” Robert replied very quietly.

“I’m not dead yet,” Aaron said. “You’re still stuck with me. For another hour at least, I’m guessing.”

Robert swallows, looking at him, closed eyes and looking as relaxed as he has in days, resting on Robert’s body. “You think… it’s going to be that soon?” he asks hesitantly, afraid of the answer.

“Yeah, I do,” Aaron says. “It all hurts. Sorry. I’m not making it much longer.” Robert shudders in his arms. He’s known it’s coming but the reality is so much different. “Take care of the boys.”

“They can take care of themselves,” Robert says.

“That’s what they think,” Aaron mumbles and Robert laughs. “They need you, Robert.”

“Okay,” Robert agrees. It’s easy to agree to, their family is so important. He can still feel Aaron’s breath on his chest, seeping through his shirt. It’s heavier than it should be, every breath an effort. It feels like he’s carrying the beat of Robert’s own heart with it. Because once that stops, how’s he going to go on?

“Aaron, you remember… the car.”

“We’ve had a lot of cars.”

“Point taken,” Robert says with a smile. “The one underwater.”

“Ah,” Aaron says. “Yeah, bits. It never all came back to me.”

“I meant what I said then,” Robert said. “I would have stayed, whatever happened. Because I‘d have rather been with you than without you.”

“Sorry,” Aaron whispers. “Can’t really help it. Is this your last move? Trying to guilt trip me on my death bed?”

“Arrogant arse to start with, why not finish as well?” Robert teases. Aaron laughs, which changes into a groan of pain half way through.

“You should tell the grandchildren how we met,” Aaron says, whispering now, but his eyes are still bright. “I mean… it’s quite a story. Leave out all the illegal bits.”

“But they’re the most interesting,” Robert counters. Aaron smiles into Robert’s body.

“We made a life, didn’t we?” Aaron asks, pulling back so he can look into Robert’s eyes, drinking him in.

“Yeah,” Robert agrees. “We did. Life was never boring with you. If it had been I’d never have stuck around so long.” Aaron smiles.

“Robert, you made my life better.”

“Not always,” Robert replies, feeling guilty. So much wasted time before they got themselves sorted out. Time he’d now happily kill for.

“No, you did,” Aaron says firmly. “You made my life good, you made me feel like I deserved to be happy. You made it better.”

“You’re too damn selfless,” Robert says, shaking his head.

“I’m going first. I think that’s as selfish as you can get.”

“How true,” Robert says. His heart is racing because he knows time is running out and there is nothing he can do about it.

“Rob, I need to talk to you about my funeral,” Aaron says.

“No,” Robert says. “I can’t end this with a disagreement with you. I can’t do it.”

"I'm giving in,” Aaron says quietly. “I’ll be buried.”

“What?” Robert asks in shock. This has been a constant argument since he’d been diagnosed as terminal. “You’re actually letting me win?”

“Yeah, I guess I am. You can bury me. I won’t make you cremate me.”

“Oh, God, thank you,” Robert breathes, closing his eyes for a second in relief. The only thing that they’d argued about lately, Robert being adamant that he couldn’t lose someone else in a fire. It had effected so much of his early life, it would break him to bookmark Aaron’s death with that too. But Aaron had asked, so he’d decided to wait for his breakdown until after Aaron was gone. Wouldn't burden him with it.

“I know it means a lot to you,” Aaron says. “I’m sorry for pushing it. I didn’t listen.”

“Always thinking you know best,” Robert says. Aaron closes his eyes, and he doesn’t open them for nearly a minute. He‘s still here, Robert can feel the thready heartbeat through his fingertips on Aaron's skeletal frame. He hasn’t gone yet.. “I’m not ready, you better look at me.”

“I’m tired, Robert,” he says weakly.

“I’m not ready to lose you,” Robert replies, voice wavering.

“You’re never going to be ready,” Aaron says, proving that he knows him far too well. Then, suddenly, he looks afraid. “You’re going to stay with me, right? I don’t want to die alone.”

“I’m not going anywhere, I promise,” Robert says, heart breaking at the promise. “I’m here. I‘ll be with you until the end.”

“Good. I love you, you know?” he says tiredly.

“I know,” Robert says, “I always knew. And I love you.” Aaron smiles, and Robert kisses him so softly. He doesn’t taste like Aaron, he already feels a little cold and not quite here. Robert hates it, but he also means it. He isn’t leaving Aaron to die on his own, that was never an option. Aaron doesn’t speak again. It takes him eleven minutes to close his eyes for the last time, thirty two minutes for Aaron to leave him, just shy of the hour mark he’d promised. It’s the last breath that Robert will always remember. The exhale that feels like a release of some sorts, gentler and… not really much at all, just a tiny warm patch against Robert‘s shoulder. But Aaron doesn’t breathe in again and it takes a few seconds for Robert to realise.

“No, please,” Robert begs. He knows it’s pointless as he moves his hand to Aarons neck, feeling for a pulse. He knows he’s gone but he can’t help but hope. “Why am I the one left behind?” he whispers into Aaron’s skin. He thought he was ready, thought he was prepared for this. It wasn’t a shock, but no. Aaron lying cold in his arms… what could ever have prepared him for this? Robert can’t let go of him, doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to. But Aaron’s still weight on his body is a reminder that his husband is no longer here with him. The love of his life, the better half of him, and... he’s actually left. And Robert can’t stop the tears from falling.

 


End file.
